This week’s email follows on from last week’s, which was about grief.
The other side of this is that since everyone dies, and everyone experiences grief – we will all also go through a situation where someone we are close to has lost a loved one.
It can feel really uncomfortable to see a friend in pain, struggling with grief.
Often in the past, people dealt with this by just not mentioning it.
The person would take some time off work – and when they came back you would do your best not to mention death, or the person who had died, or anything else that might remind them of what had happened.
Here’s the problem with that approach though: when someone has died, you don’t need to be reminded about it – you remember it all the time!
Someone saying “I’m sorry your dad died” is not going to suddenly remind you he’s not here.
So how do we help and support our friends and loved ones while they are grieving?
Much like with grief, there are no rules.
A great tip I’ve heard is that rather than saying “let me know if you need anything” or “how can I help” – offer specific things.
When we are overwhelmed with grief, we don’t have the mental capacity to tell someone else what to do.
Cook them a meal they can easily reheat.
Offer to collect their children from school for them.
One thing your friend might really appreciate is the opportunity to talk about the person they loved.
Often when someone has died we’ll say “oh I’m sorry for your loss” and leave it there.
Perhaps even try to change the subject or leave the conversation because it feels uncomfortable.
But saying something like “oh I’m sorry, were you close?” or “tell me about her” gives the grieving person the opportunity to talk – and perhaps to remember some of the good times.
Pull up a chair and ask them about their best memory of the person they have lost.
Remember they might also prefer not to talk about it – and that’s ok too.
But at least give them the opportunity.
Check in with them from time to time – and rather than asking “how are you,” which requires some sort of response – simply say “I’m thinking of you, I’m here if you want to talk.”
You might be wondering how this relates to Mental Sunshine…
We are all humans, and humans thrive on connection.
Grief and grieving are universal and we will all experience loss.
If we can be with a person in their grief, and perhaps help them a little – that fosters connection between us.
It helps us all to remember that we are not alone.
It might even bring