I want to look at things a little differently for this week.
The other side of Mental Sunshine is when something sad has happened in our life – there’s a lack of Mental Sunshine for a reason.
For example, when someone we love has died, our sadness will run a lot deeper than a normal day of feeling a bit grey.
This is an important thing to look at – because at one point or another, we will all lose someone we love.
Death is inevitable – whether it’s a 100-year-old granny who’s lived a good life, or someone much younger, where we feel they’ve been taken far too soon.
The loss is the same, and it’s something we will all go through.
So how do we deal with it when someone we love has died?
The first thing to remember is that it’s normal to feel sad in a situation like this.
Allow yourself to feel sad and have a good cry.
Allowing ourselves to be sad is like sitting next to a river.
You watch the water (your feelings) flow past you.
You acknowledge it is there; you can feel that the water is cold; you know it’s powerful… but you are sitting on the riverbank while the river flows past you.
It’s important to allow those feelings to come, and to understand that they will also flow past you soon enough.
Don’t try to resist or stop them – that just prolongs the agony.
Allow it to be painful. Sit down. Accept that you are in pain and that is normal.
Remember the good times you had with this person, and try to celebrate their life. Talk to friends about them. It’s ok to laugh and smile about the good times.
Funerals play a crucial role when someone has died, because they allow us all to come together in our grief and remember the person we loved.
When you’re feeling really sad, it’s useful to think of self care as if you are taking care of a poorly toddler or a pot plant: eat whatever you feel able to eat; remember to drink some water.
Be kind to yourself.
The most important thing to remember about grief is that there are no rules.
You can’t do it wrong.
And seeing someone else deal with it differently, or seem to cope better, doesn’t mean either of you is wrong or failing.
We are all unique, and we all cope with these things differently.
There’s a great podcast about grief, called Griefcast. In it, the host speaks to different guests about loved ones who have died.
They talk about how they have (or haven’t) coped; the things that have helped and not helped.
Remember to take your time, and to still look for reasons to smile.
It can feel disrespectful to feel joy when someone has died – as if we have momentarily forgotten about them.
I can guarantee you that there is not a single person who loves you, who would expect or want you to be in misery for an extended period after they have died.
Feeling joy, smiling, laughing – these are all normal parts of the human experience.
We are supposed to feel terrible loss – and we are also supposed to smile and feel ok about life, perhaps even happy.
Grief is not something we “get over” – we carry it with us forever.
But over time, our lives continue to grow around it – so the grief, whilst still there, doesn’t take up such a large part of our life.
And eventually, the sun will come out again.